Episode 188 | Nurturing Resentment

In this episode Dr. Cari Wise discusses the negative effects of harboring resentment in our lives. She highlights five signs of nurturing resentment, and explains that resentment originates from the belief that external factors dictate our emotions and life experiences, leading to a victim mindset. 

Dr. Wise shares that overcoming resentment involves acknowledging its presence, challenging its grip, and seeking closure without relying on external validation. 

Releasing resentment empowers individuals to move forward without being defined by past grievances, allowing us to reclaim their personal power and find opportunities for self-improvement and fulfillment.

The key takeaways from the context are:

1. Holding resentment has a negative impact on our lives.

2. There are five signs of nurturing resentment: making sarcastic remarks, believing others have it easier, feeling constrained by past circumstances, struggling to maintain friendly relationships, and engaging in self-criticism.

3. Resentment comes from the belief that external factors limit our life experiences.

4. Resentment acts as a barrier to personal development and limits our potential for growth.

5. To overcome resentment, individuals must acknowledge its presence, challenge its grip on their lives, and seek closure without relying on external validation.

6. Releasing resentment does not excuse past wrongs but empowers individuals to move forward without being defined by past grievances.

7. By letting go of resentment and adopting a neutral stance towards past events, individuals can reclaim their personal power and open themselves up to opportunities for self-improvement and fulfillment.



Website: https://joyfuldvm.com



Get The Alternative Career Guide for Veterinary Professionals: Create A Career Tailored to You! 


Join VetMed;JOY CLUB: Elevate Your Life & Veterinary Career Experience


Listen to The Joyful DVM Podcast: Be Inspired by Empowering Perspectives on Navigating Life as A Veterinary Professional


Join VET LIFE ACADEMY: Transform Your Veterinary Life & Career from the inside out


Learn How to Support Your Organization and Enhance Employee Wellbeing


Music Credit: Music by Lesfm from Pixabay


Thank you so much for listening! If this episode supported you in any way, the best way you can pay forward is by taking a screenshot of this episode and sharing it on social media or with your team, and tag me!


This transcript is auto-generated and may contain typos.

Hi there. I’m Dr. Cari Wise, veterinarian, certified life coach and certified quantum human design specialist. If you are a veterinary professional looking to uplevel your life and your career, or maybe looking to go in an entirely new direction, then what I talk about here on the Joyful DVM podcast is absolutely for you. Let’s get started. Hello, my friends.

Welcome back to the joyful DVM podcast. This week I wanna spend a few minutes talking about the idea of nurturing resentment. This is something that so many of us do and we don’t even realize we’re doing it. More importantly, we don’t even realize the negative and limiting impact this habit is having on what we’re creating in our lives today and what we want to create in the future.

So I wanna start out and talk about five indications that you might be nurturing resentment, and here’s what they are. Number one, you make snarky or passive aggressive or even sarcastic comments about people or circumstances almost as a reflex. So you don’t even think in advance these snarky or passive aggress, aggressive or sarcastic comments just kind of sneak out in different situations or around different people.

They can’t even sneak out around different topics that you’re talking about. Somebody starts talking about something in specific, and then all of a sudden you make a snarky or a sarcastic comment about that thing or about that type of event, these knee jerk, snarky, sarcastic, passive aggressive comments or indicators that you’re nurturing, some kind of resistant around whatever the topic might be.

Indicator number two, you believe that some people have an easier life because of their circumstances. Now, their circumstances may be very different than yours. They usually are. So usually this resentment that we’re holding against people who have different circumstances than ours who we see have an easier life than ours, we believe anyway that they have an easier life. We’re usually judging them through a comparison that usually goes something like this.

If they had the life that I had, if they grew up the way that I did, if they experienced the things that I experienced, then they wouldn’t have it so easy. That kind of comparison and cause and effect. Conclusion is an indicator that you are nurturing some resentment. Number three, you believe your future is limited by your past or some other type of factor in your life.

These can be some pretty specific and pretty common factors. Things like our age, our gender, even things like our race, our socioeconomic standing. We may be believing that those things actually are limiting what’s possible for us in the future. And if we’re believing that, then there is some resentment that we are nurturing about those aspects of our being. And if we are having a hard time even noticing that we’re harboring resentment against our aspects,

we are probably harboring aspect resentment against those aspects that are the opposite in other people. So for example, if we are believing that we are too old to have some different opportunities, then we are probably harboring some resentment against people who are younger, even if we don’t realize it overtly. Number four, the the the number four indicator is that you have a really hard time putting a smile on your face and staying friendly.

So in certain circum circumstances, certain situations, we wanna be nice, right? Especially if we are in service-based industry, we wanna be friendly, we wanna be helpful. And so we try to put on this smile and be kind and useful and helpful in those situations. But if it’s really hard to do that, if it really feels like it takes a lot of effort to put on that friendly smiling of service type of demeanor,

then that’s another indicator that there is some resentment that is hiding underneath there. And number five, you have an internal dialogue of relentless self-judgment about yourself. So this internal judgy dialogue about things like your body, maybe about your finances, perhaps about your success, maybe about your career or your relationships just inside that voice that’s talking to you is telling you that you are not good enough,

that you should be better in some area or many areas of your life and of your being. Those five things are indicators that you might be nurturing some resentment. So remember the snarky and passive aggressive comments, believing that some people have it easier because of their circumstances, believing your future is limited because of some things that happened in your life in your past or some other factor.

You have to try really hard to put on that friendly, smiling, helpful face, or you have an internal dialogue of relentless self-judgment. Those five things indicate that you’re nurturing some resentment. So what does this resentment then reveal? Well, what this resentment reveals is that we believe that there is something outside of ourselves that is responsible for how we feel and what we experience in our own lives.

We believe we don’t have any control. We believe we are powerless to change whatever that thing is. And so because we believe we’re powerless to change the external thing, which we probably are to be honest, but because we’re believing that we are powerless to change it and we are simultaneously believing it’s the cause, we then realize we are powerless to change our lives as long as we continue to not question that.

That automatically then has us identifying as a victim in that area of our lives. Now, a lot of us here that we’re victim and we bristle. We don’t want to identify as victims, and I totally get that. But if we are blaming something outside of ourselves for the way that we feel and the way that our life is right now, and we also recognize that we can’t change those things,

those external things, then we have by definition chosen to be a victim of those things. This is why it’s so important for us to start to find where we’re nurturing resentment. So why does any of this matter? Well, nurturing resentment actually limits our potential, and that is the heart of this entire episode. Nurturing resentment limits our potential in any area of our lives that we identify as a victim.

We will never have power to make change, so we, it has to start there. So if we are believing that people or circumstances or past events limited us, that they, it hurt us in a way that we now don’t have opportunities in the present or in the future that keeps us in a place where we will just continuously identify as a victim and we will continuously believe,

we have no power to change any of it, it is possible. I wanna say this, it is possible to have been a victim at a point in time. So I’m not dismissing that at all. We’ve, many of us have been through some very horrific things that we are absolutely a victim of another person or of a circumstance at some time in the past.

But holding onto that identity and identifying at that in the present moment, even though that thing occurred in the past, that identity today, holding that identity of that victim, of that person or that circumstance today limits was possible. You in the future, whatever the thing was, or the person was that victimized you previously, if you continue to hold that identity,

you then have given the power of your future over to that person or that thing. This is why it’s so important for us to recognize where we’re holding on to this resentment. Nurturing resentment also limits our potential because we aren’t as good at hiding it as we think we are. So when those snarky or passive aggressive or sarcastic comments pop out, they don’t go unnoticed.

And these comments like they’re so sneaky because they’re like knee jerk reactions. A lot of us don’t have any filter when it comes to making these comments. They just come out. And so I wanna wa I want you to watch for those because there’s great indicators of where you may be holding resentment. But not only do I want you to watch for those,

I want you to start to have some awareness that you’re not the only one who notices them. And as much as I am absolutely an advocate for not people pleasing, and that is not at all what I’m advocating here, I want you to recognize that those kinds of comments may very well be culturally acceptable in the social circles that you’re in right now. But for the things that you want for your life,

the very relationships and opportunities that would help move you in the direction that you want to go, those things that are gonna help you to realize your own goals and your dreams, those exist in a different sphere. What got you here won’t get you there. And so therefore, we must let go of this resentment. If we are ever going to shift into the dreams and the goals and the potential for our own lives,

we have to just start by noticing that those comments don’t go unnoticed. So we need to notice ’em for ourselves and recognize that until we learn how to let this resentment go, it is going to limit us. And so how do we do that? How do we release resentment, especially when we have been identifying it and hanging, identifying through it and hanging onto it for so long?

Well, it’s really just a few questions that you ask yourself to help get you started with this. Number one, what resentment am I holding onto? So as you go through those indicators of resentment, ask yourself the ones that you identify as indicators for you. What resentment am I holding onto? Am I holding onto resentment against a person? Am I holding resentment against some event in my prior life,

like a prior time in my life? What resentment am I holding? Am I holding resentment about my age, about my gender? Am I holding resentment about my family, about my friends, about some job? I didn’t get? Like, what is it? Where are you holding resentment? Ask that question first, and then once you’ve identified where you’re holding onto resentment,

can you let it go? That’s question number two. Ask yourself, can I let this go? If you can, then just do that. Just let it go. Just decide, you know what? I am no longer gonna resent this. I’m no longer gonna argue with the reality of this thing that happened to me. It happened. I can’t change that.

But continuing to believe that it shouldn’t have that, if it wouldn’t have, then I would be different. Today that is not going to help me. That just helps me nurture resistance and resentment. And so instead, if I can just let it be neutral in the present, I can start to move away from it. I don’t identify as the person who experienced that thing.

I identify as myself. That does not become a limiting factor in my life. So if you can let it go, just let it go. If you can’t, if you can’t let it go, then we have to ask ourselves another question. Why not? Now, the most common reason we can’t let something go is because there is some closure that we believe that we need,

and that closure usually comes in the form of a conversation. So there might be a conversation that you need to have with somebody about whatever it is that happened. But I wanna warn you of one thing on this because these closure conversations, a lot of us make those conditional on receiving an apology from the other person and my friends. You cannot go into a closure conversation with the goal of getting an apology because you’re just basically staying in the same place.

You’re making your future dependent on whether or not that person apologizes for what they did, and they may never apologize. As long as you’re waiting on that apology, you are then giving that person control of your life. So maybe there’s something else you need to say. Maybe you just need to speak your truth. You did this thing and it hurt me.

Maybe you need to apologize to them. I forg or forgive them. I forgive you for what you did. Maybe you don’t even need to have this conversation face-to-face because what’s so interesting is that if we actually need to have a closure conversation, most of us really only need to have it face to face if we are seeking out that apology from them. But if we realize that our wellbeing and our future is not limited and not contingent on receiving an apology,

then we can actually have this entire closure conversation in our head. We can write it on paper even. We can let this go by saying the things that we need to say. Now, you may want to actually say those things to another person then if that’s what you need to do, then do that, but do it from a place because that’s what you believe you need to do to release this once and for all,

and not to try to make your case in order to kind of force an apology on their part. You cannot make your future dependent on somebody apologizing for something that they did in the past because that is going to keep you waiting forever, and that’s just going to keep building and nurturing that resistance and that belief that if they hadn’t done that thing, that you would have a different life and my friends,

that is just not true. The second part, when it comes to the why, not if it’s not a closure conversation that ’cause something that kind of gets us hung up and being able to let something go is believing that if we let it go, that that somehow condones or minimizes whatever happened. And that is absolutely not true either. We can have very painful,

very hurtful things happen to us, but deciding to let them go doesn’t mean that those things that happened were okay, that those behaviors were okay. That’s not what it means at all. It just means that you’re choosing to no longer identify as a victim of it in the present. So it’s okay to let things go while also simultaneously holding the belief that it wasn’t okay that it happened.

My friends, all of the pain that we have from any event or any trauma, it’s never active in the present moment. All of those things that happened, all of that pain, it was in the present moment at that point in time. But we’re not talking about something that’s happening right now as you’re listening to this episode. Are we we’re talking about something that happened before today and the pain that you experienced during that event?

Absolutely, a hundred percent real, 100% real. But today, in this moment, that thing isn’t happening. That interaction with that person or that circumstance isn’t happening in this very moment. Us holding onto the pain of that today is an act of choice. So we can decide intentionally not to carry that pain forward, not to carry that turmoil forward into our future.

That doesn’t minimize what happened, that doesn’t condone what happened. Not at all. It’s a very empowered choice though, to say, you know what? Yeah, that happened. That person did that thing. That circumstance occurred and it was really hard and it was really painful. And I choose to no longer be a victim of those things moving forward. I am not going to let those things define me.

And so I refuse to carry with me the resentment over them because my friends, when it comes to resentment at the heart of it, is an if and then belief. We are believing somewhere that if they hadn’t done that or if that thing hadn’t happened, then we would be better off today. And the truth is that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be in your journey.

That every single thing that’s happened in your life has happened for a reason that even the hardest things that you have encountered when looked at through the right lens, the true lens, they are evidence of how strong you are, my friend. You are still here. You only have evidence of surviving some of the hardest situations that you’ve ever been through in your life,

and there’s no reason to believe that you are going, not going to continue to have that level of resilience moving forward. But will what will hold you back? What will keep you from realizing your goals and your dreams and becoming the version of you that you were meant to become is doing things like nurturing resentment, hanging on to these past things and the identity of the person who experienced them,

believing that whoever did that thing to you or whatever that circumstance was, or even whatever gender you were born with and have maybe not even changed identity of whatever socioeconomic background that you come from, that those things are fundamentally limiting to what’s possible for you in the future. As long as you believe that, then that will be true. But if instead we can just let those things be neutral,

whatever past circumstances, whatever past events, whatever life factors that we have, whatever interactions with other people we’ve experienced, all of the things that have happened in our lives, if we can just let those things be neutral today, that takes us out of victim mentality that puts us intentionally and actively back into our power and once again, makes everything possible. All right,

my friends. So just a few things for you to ponder this week. Keep an eye out for where you might be nurturing resentment, and give your opera self the opportunity to let that go and start to see how everything improves. All right, my friends, it’s gonna wrap it up. See you soon. Bye for now.